


Baby, You're My Catnip

by EmeraldAshes



Series: Connor Murphy: Animal Lover [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 03:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11637882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldAshes/pseuds/EmeraldAshes
Summary: “H-hello?”Connor’s voice, slightly tinny over the phone, said, “I need you to adopt a cat.”Evan squeaked, “What?”





	Baby, You're My Catnip

The caller ID said “Connor,” so there was no reason to be anxious, really, except that sometimes Zoe stole Connor’s phone or Cynthia called to tell Evan that Connor was grounded again, or what if Connor had really hurt himself this time?

Evan clicked the answer button with shaking hands, reminding himself that he was safe in his room, Connor was probably safe, everything was fine. “H-hello?”

Connor’s voice, slightly tinny over the line, said, “I need you to adopt a cat.”

_“What?”_

“I just got a call from my contact at the shelter. There’s this cat there who’s six months old and shy and going to die tomorrow unless we do something about it.”

Evan gripped the phone so hard that his hand was starting to lose circulation. “Why does it h-have to be _me_?”

“Larry is an asshole, Jared is also an asshole, Alana’s allergic, and I don’t have other friends,” Connor said quickly.

Evan bit back a whimper. “B-but, I mean, I don’t know if my mom…”

“Ask her?” Connor’s voice was soft, pleading. How was Evan supposed to resist that?

“I…”

Connor, sensing weakness, continued in the same sweet tone. “Her name’s Portia. She’s not feral or anything. She grew up with a family, but they got a divorce and dumped her.”

Evan slumped onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. “You’re k-kidding.”

“Would I lie to you?”

Evan snorted. “About this? Yeah, probably.”

Connor laughed. “Okay, that’s true. But I’m not; I promise. Just please try?”

Evan really needed to learn to say no to people…but Connor wasn’t exactly “people.” He was Evan’s _person._

“Okay.”

“I love you,” Connor said as he hung up the phone.

Unfortunately for that tiny spark of hope in Evan’s chest, Heidi thought it was a great idea, as long as Evan was comfortable taking on the responsibility. Evan wasn’t sure _comfortable_ was the right word, but he nervously agreed.

* * *

As Connor drove Evan home from the shelter the following afternoon, he said, “You’re a lifesaver. I mean that literally. You just saved a life.”

Evan rubbed his arm. “She scratched me.”

Connor took a hand off the wheel to wave it vaguely in the air. “Yeah, cats aren’t really known for being grateful.”

“She hates me,” Evan continued.

The hand reached over to grope at the air, eventually locating Evan’s head. Connor ruffled his hair. “Cats hate everyone. It’s their default setting. Eventually, if you’re persistent enough, they sort of ease into tolerance.”

“I’m g-going to screw this up.”

“You’re not going to screw this up,” Connor said, still massaging Evan’s scalp.

The volume of Evan’s voice was slowly rising as the car, cat carrier in the back seat, drove ever-closer to his home. “I’m not ready for this!”

“Parents never are,” Connor said cheerfully, reclaiming his right hand to make a turn. “I have complete faith in you.”

“I HAVE NO FAITH IN ME!”

While Evan tried to get his breathing under control (in for four, hold for three, out for four), Connor pulled into the driveway. Connor swung open the back door and grabbed the cat carrier. The cat, who had tucked herself in the very back of her tiny prison, meowed plaintively as he carried it toward the door.

Connor lifted the carrier so that he could peer through the bars. “My boyfriend is freaking out right now, so I need you to be the calm one here. Be super good for him, okay? If you can do that, I can get you drugs.”

Evan chuckled weakly, having mostly fought down the knowledge that this was an awful, awful idea. “Y-you know that I can hear you, right?”

Connor continued to talk to the cat. “Sorry about Evan. His mother never taught him that it’s rude to eavesdrop.”

Evan laughed, lightly smacking Connor’s arm as he walked past. “You’re a dork.”

Connor shrugged. “I try not to patronize children or animals. I figure it’s good practice for ten years from now, when I’m the cool uncle to Zoe’s future kids.”

Evan closed the door firmly behind them as his boyfriend set down the carrier.

Connor gestured for Evan to crouch down beside him. “Want to open it?”

“S-sure.” Evan hesitantly swung open the door. Portia—a grey tabby—paused for a moment, then streaked out and disappeared into the depths of the house.

Connor stood. “She’ll probably be under a bed for a while. You can try luring her out with food in a few hours. Call me if you need advice or moral support or whatever.”

Evan scrambled to his feet, voice horrified. “You’re _leaving_?”

“I shouldn’t even be here right now. I’m grounded”—Connor sighed—“It’s a long story.”

Evan crossed his arms. “Your parents caught you smoking again?”

“That would be the SparkNotes version, yeah. I’m gonna have to do some real Mission Impossible shit to get back in, too: Climb a tree up to Zoe’s window, blackmail her into letting me in, creep down the hall…”

“Sounds very, uh, dramatic”—Evan rubbed his arm nervously—“You know I have no idea what I’m doing, right?”

Connor darted in for a kiss. “I never have any idea what I’m doing. Just believe in yourself and shit.”

After another peck, Connor left Evan with a terrified tabby. It could be worse, Evan decided. It could be an empty house.

* * *

 A few days later, after the grounding had officially been lifted, Evan met Connor at their usual spot in the abandoned orchard.

“How are things going with”—Connor glanced up from his sketchbook—“Why is your cat on a leash?”

Evan twisted the leash around his hand as a harnessed Portia watched a passing spider with absolute fascination. “Uh, w-well, I didn’t want to let her roam because that’s, that’s really dangerous. She could get hit by a car, or get into a fight. But it seemed so sad for her to spend her whole life indoors, you know? She would just sit at the window, looking out, watching the birds, and then I read about this guy who took his cat out for walks. I read about it, and PetMD said it would be okay—they seem trustworthy? A-anyway, I got a harness, and I decided to t-try taking her outside today because I’m gone a lot and mom’s gone a lot, and I didn’t want Portia to get lonely.”

Connor scooped up the cat and placed her in his lap. “I have never been more attracted to you.”

Evan blushed. “Um. Th-that’s a joke, right?”

“I’m dead serious.”

The cat leapt out of Connor’s lap to investigate the tree he was leaning against. Evan sat beside Connor and tried to fight down both his blush and his incredible confusion.

“Everything’s been going okay? No scratching you or anything? You don’t totally hate having a cat?”

Evan shook his head. “N-no.”

Connor grabbed Evan’s hand. “I can always hide her in my room for a while, if she’s giving you trouble. I know I kind of guilted you into this”

“She’s not very f-friendly, but I like having her around. The company is…is good.”

Connor smiled. “Good. I’m glad.”

The long-haired boy rifled through his bag, voice rising to a sing-song as he addressed the cat, “You’re such a sweet girl. And I promised you drugs. Yes I did!”

Evan groaned. “I thought you were joking about that.”

“Nope.” Connor pulled out a baggie and waved it in Evan’s face.

Evan clutched Connor’s hand tightly. “Please don’t drug my cat.”

Connor’s mostly blue eyes met Evan’s brown ones. “Catnip, Evan. I’m not a psychopath.”

“Oh,” Evan said softly as Connor sprinkled the catnip on the ground and Portia immediately darted to it.

“I do have weed, though, if you want some.”

Evan laughed, leaning against Connor’s side. “My fifth-grade DARE officer warned me about g-guys like you.”

Connor nodded, expression mock-serious. “Right. Those handsome devils who seduce you, buy you a cat, and then offer you free drugs. I think I remember that assembly.”

Evan could feel himself smiling, and it seemed impossible to do anything else. “Feel free to, um, smoke drugs if you want, though.”

“Smoke drugs?” Connor teased.

Evan rolled his eyes, his voice dripping with humor. “Whatever you crazy kids are calling it these days.”

“Smoking pot, gramps,” Connor teased back. “I think I’ll pass. I’ve been laying off lately, anyway. Who needs drugs when you’re my heroin?”

“…Did you just quote Twilight at me?”

Connor nudged Evan with his shoulder. “I watched it _ironically._ ”

Evan nudged him back. “I read it unironically, but I was eleven. I think that gets me a p-pass?”

As he watched the cat attempt to grab her own tail and repeatedly fail, an idea occurred to Evan, and he turned to Connor. “…You were Team Jacob, weren’t you?”

Connor, who had been slouched against the tree, bolted up. “I don’t have a dog kink!”

Evan smirked. “I’ll believe that when you stop calling me a good boy during sex.”

“Let it go, or I’ll tell Jared that you shout ‘Timber’ every time you—”

“Too far!” Evan squeaked.

The grey tabby walked three steps, then nonchalantly fell on her side. She stared at the sky. Connor reached out to tickle her stomach, darting away when she tried to bite him. “I’m guessing you liked Edward.”

Evan counted on his fingers. “Tall, pale, probably a vampire. Maybe I have a type?”

Connor pinched Evan’s side, earning a squeak and an elbow.

“So,” Connor said, “the cat’s definitely high.”

Portia had wiggled herself into a position near Connor’s kicked-off flip flops. Her blown-out pupils watched his toes with absolute enchantment. He wiggled them, and she leapt forward to bite. “Ow!”

Evan said, “You deserved that.”

“Yeah, but it still hurt…Wait, bad news.”

The cat had found her feet and was nosing at Connor’s backpack. Evan asked with a hint of suspicion. “What?”

Connor spoke slowly. “Catnip only lasts like ten minutes, right?”

Evan nodded just as slowly. “Um, I guess, yeah.”

“I think it’s wearing off already, and Portia’s looking for her next fix.”

The cat knocked over Connor’s backpack and meowed loudly. Connor meowed back.

Evan laughed. “So you’re telling me…”

Connor laid a hand on Evan’s shoulder, a twitch of his lips betraying the attempted seriousness of his expression. “Your cat’s a drug addict.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had to watch videos of cats high on catnip as research for this fic. In other news, apparently tigers can get high on catnip.


End file.
